Al-Huda
Foundation, NJ U. S. A
the Message Continues ... 11/190
Newsletter for September 2017
Article 1 - Article 2 - Article 3 - Article 4 - Article 5 - Article 6 - Article 7 - Article 8 - Article 9 - Article 10 - Article 11 - Article 12
Adjusting to Marriage
Marriage
requires many adjustments. Life
becomes different in various
ways for both the spouses. Daily
rituals and habits have to
change, and a whole array of new
experiences await the couple. It
is not always easy to deal with
these changes. Human beings
sometimes resist change. They
are reluctant to relinquish what
they are accustomed to,
preferring to cling to what is
known and familiar. There is a
fear of change, of the emotional
upheaval that change might
entail. This is especially true
when the change seems
threatening, a potential danger
to the sense of self. For a couple
entering marriage, it is best to
be prepared for many winds of
change, even stormy ones. The
idea that marriage will be
smooth and be in accordance with
the well laid out plan that had
been envisioned for it is a
false illusion. It can bring
great grief if not set aside.
Marriage will undoubtedly change
life for us, in ways we may like
and ways we may not like. To
accept this fact helps alleviate
much of the stress that may
result from the necessary
adjustment. Apart from
the day to day changes that
married life may bring, it is
the change in attitude and
thinking which is most
important. Mental processes have
to undergo a strong change in
order to achieve harmony and
happiness in marriage. The
following are some changes in
attitude which require an
adjustment after marriage.
Restriction on individual
freedom
A single
person thinks only of the self,
and many decisions are based on
that. But marriage necessitates
decisions based on two people,
two different personalities each
with his/her won likes and
dislikes. This consideration,
negotiation, and consequent
adjustment does not come easily
to most people. Ayatullah
Haeri Shirazi, a scholar in
Iran, likens it to driving a
car. In a speech on marriage he
gave the following example. If
someone is alone on the road
there is no need to be careful
or considerate. There really
isn't anybody else who would be
affected by how he drives. He
may drive very slowly or speed
up if he wishes. He may drive
straight, in one lane, or change
lanes and deviate and zig-zag.
All this is true so long a she
is by himself. The moment
another driver enters the scene,
however, he has to change
immediately. Now there is
someone else to consider. The
actions of one driver will
affect the other and both cannot
drive in whatever way they wish.
The presence of another human
being whose life can be affected
places certain restrictions and
rules on one's actions. Living with
others in society demands that
we restrict ourselves sometimes.
We cannot follow our whims and
desires as we are not living in
isolation. Our actions have
repercussions, the effect of
which can have very great
consequences. Hence the rules
for life, as sent by God.
Although not everyone may wish
to follow them, they are
necessary for harmony in
society. This is
especially true of the married
couple. When alone, they could
do as they wished. Late hours at
work, going out with friends,
etc. were all acceptable before
marriage. After marriage,
however, consideration is to be
given to the effect of such
activities on the other partner.
Plans have to be made together.
Life is different for both of
them, and the freedom they had
before is not available now. This
restriction on freedom is not to
be viewed as a burden. Every
good thing in life brings with
it responsibilities and duties.
As a human being transcends from
one stage of life to another,
many changes occur in his life.
From childhood to youth, to
marriage and then parenthood,
the human being is in a constant
state of development. Each stage
has to be traversed for
fulfillment and satisfaction.
But advancement in stages also
brings with it certain
responsibilities. A parent is
restricted by the arrival of a
child in terms of demands on
time etc,, but accepts it
willingly, even with joy, for a
child is a great blessing. In
the same way, a spouse accepts
the restrictions marriage might
bring, because that too is a
great blessing. As the holy
Prophet (s) says: There is no
establishment in Islam more
beloved to Allah than that of
marriage. Restrictions are thus
part of the package, a small
price to pay for marital
happiness. This type of attitude
will help greatly in reducing
the resentment which
restrictions may bring.
Making Joint decisions
Whereas
before the partners were
accustomed to decide things for
themselves, albeit with help and
guidance of parents sometimes,
they will now have to get used
to making joint decisions. Being able
to make decisions that are
mutually agreeable is a skill
that the couple will have to
learn. Many people often have
the mistaken assumption that
their thinking is really quite
correct, and the decision they
wish to make is the only right
one. To allow someone to have a
say in their decision, even
perhaps disallow them from doing
what they want, requires a
certain humility. That will have
to be learnt in marriage. If the
partners have mutual respect and
love, and know that each wants
what is best for the other,
there are less chances of battle
over important decisions. If the
ability to make a joint decision
is not learnt by the couple, the
relationship may degenerate into
a power struggle that will
cripple the marriage. Discussing
the matter calmly, and
swallowing false notions of
pride and independence will help
the couple to make joint
decisions without creating
tension.
Ability to sacrifice
During
childhood and youth, most boys
and girls are given what they
want by their parents. They are
accustomed to thinking mostly of
themselves and having most of
their needs meet. Their personal
happiness is of paramount
concern to their families. Marriage
often demands a sacrifice of
one's desires. Simple decisions
such as timings for dinner,
choices for holidays etc. can
evoke very different responses
from the partners. At times,
differences of opinions and
interests may mean that one
spouse may have to give up what
he/she likes for the sake of the
other. This does not mean to say
that one of the partners should
always be a martyr to the
other's happiness. Sometimes
however, it is not possible for
two different personalities to
see completely eye to eye on a
matter, or to be able to make a
decision that will be completely
agreeable to both of them. In
such cases, one of them will
have to give in. It is best that
the burden of sacrifice be not
always laid on the shoulders of
one of the partners. If the wife
gives in sometimes, the husband
should at other times. Both will
have to understand that this
type of sacrifice is necessary
for living together. Many
problems in marriage stem from
the aversion of either partner
to give in. Sometimes a person
may view giving in as degrading
submission, an affront to his or
her sense of dignity. It is
assumed that to sacrifice for
the other partner means being a
doormat, and these modern times
make that unfashionable -
perhaps even unacceptable. If
such is the attitude of the
partners, the marriage may be in
for some rocky times. All
marriages involve certain
sacrifices, and the wise and
strong individual accepts that
as a necessary fact of life.
When we sacrifice to make our
marriage a happy one, we are
really sacrificing for
ourselves. The ultimate benefit
will return to us, for a happy
marriage will make us happier
individuals. It does not mean
that we are martyrs, or that we
are suppressed. It just means
that we are wise enough to
discern the fact that giving in
sometimes reaps great dividends,
the fruits of which we shall
enjoy ourselves. Every couple
is different. The changes and
necessary adjustments vary from
one home to another. The best
thing to keep in mind is to
avoid resentment and opposition
to change. A positive attitude
will help greatly to accept
these changes and could make
these changes stepping stones to
success and progress in life. The
following points may be useful
to keep in mind during the early
stages of marriage.
1.
Communication is very important.
Both sides should talk, and
listen to the other. If
adjustment is difficult, the
other partner should be aware of
it. Even if that may not
magically solve things, it would
at least foster a greater sense
of understanding.
2.
Be
broadminded in accepting each
other's faults and mistakes.
Human beings are all created
differently and it is wrong to
judge and condemn others on the
basis of one's own opinions.
Adjustment is easier if one is
tolerant and accepting.
3.
Read
books and articles on marriage,
both religious and secular. This
helps in discovering ways to
help smooth the path of married
life, and helps greatly in
adjustment. Many good books have
been written on the subject. It
is worth investing time and
money on some good books. |
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